To the guy loudly revving his motorcycle…
How can I be as manly as you?
Hey! Hey! Excuse me! Over here! I’m the guy shouting to get your attention over the sound of your extremely loud motorcycle engine!
Oh, hi! I see you’ve turned your head and lifted the visor on your flame-decal-decorated helmet to acknowledge me.
Allow me to introduce myself: I am but a humble pedestrian who happened to be startled by the ear-splitting rumble of your motorcycle engine. I’ve had similar experiences in the past — several times I’ve been trying to sleep in my apartment, only to be stirred awake by the extremely loud revving of your motorcycle engine outside my window. Other times, I’ve been trying to have a conversation with my friend while walking down the street, until the roar of your powerful motorcycle engine ripped through the air like a primal bellow from God himself, causing us to stop talking and cover our ears.
As such, I’m well aware of your penchant for revving your motorcycle very very loudly on our streets. Well, now that we’ve made each other’s acquaintance at this crosswalk, I figured now is as good a time as any to ask you something that’s always been on my mind:
How can I be as manly as you?
Every time you rev your motorcycle engine at a stoplight, I can’t help but think: My masculinity simply cannot compete with that fellow revving his motorcycle so very loudly. And it consumes me with jealousy.
How can I be as manly as you?! Teach me the ways!
I can only imagine your body oozes testosterone. I want MY body to ooze testosterone! How can I ooze testosterone like you, friend? How can I summon the masculinity you clearly possess to be able to rev a motorcycle as loudly as you do?
I admire the way you rev your motorcycle extremely loudly from one red light to another on our streets here in downtown Chicago. When the light turns green, you unleash your sheer man-power by revving that motorcycle and accelerating a whole block until the next red light, where you stop and rev some more. And the cycle continues. It is extremely manly.
I ask again: How can I be as manly as you? Is there a class I can take? Do I simply watch a ton of James Dean movies? Do I buy my own very very loud motorcycle that I can rev late at night when everyone else is trying to sleep? Or is this manliness something I cannot learn? Is it something just a few people like you are born with?
I am simply a pussy who thinks a car is meant to get from point A to point B.
Just to compare, I drive my car without revving it loudly or alarming passers-by. I am simply a pussy who thinks a car is meant to get from point A to point B. Indeed, I demonstrate inferior masculine qualities by not revving my car so loudly that people have to cover their ears. Compared to you on your very loud motorcycle, I am basically a eunuch.
Listen, I just want to be as cool and manly as you and your friends who rev their motorcycles very very loudly at otherwise calm, quiet intersections. That’s all I ask. Any insights would be greatly appreciated.
Oh, I see the light’s about to turn green. I suppose I should let you go. I hope you were able to hear me, considering you were revving your engine very loudly and masculine-like this entire time. If you were able to make out anything I was trying to say, let me know what I should be doing differently.
Okay, I see you have put your visor back down and are revving your engine even more loudly as you accelerate away to your destination. Thank you for taking time out of your very manly day to chat. See you around!
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