My Super-Productive Morning Routine With Your Mom

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5am: Wake Up

The alarm goes off.

5:30am: Coffee + Meditation

First things first: coffee. I don’t even need a mug. I just chug the stuff straight from the Chemex your mom has prepared for me. It is delicious.

6am: Gratitude Journal

Next, your mom hands me my gratitude journal. She also straightens my messy bed-hair.

6:15am: Exercise

Once I have gratituded, your mom hands me a pair of boxing gloves. After helping me lace them up, she wears a boxing mitt for me to punch into. She showers me with positive affirmations like “You got this, sweetie” and “I believe in you” while my gloves meet her boxing mitt with a thwack, thwack-thwack.

7am: Start The Day

I don’t check e-mail or social media until after I’ve eaten the breakfast your mom has prepared for me. When I’m done eating, I go towards the sink to clean the plate, but she takes it from me. “Now shoo, let me handle that. You go get ready for the day, mister.”

I write comedy things. the ha & lol. Also a founding editor of Slackjaw on Medium.

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