Man no use loofas or eat Luna Bars!
One time, I, man, was offered Luna Bar. I turned bar down because “Luna Bar for women,” I said. Ingredients looked good. But no, I would not eat. “What if bar turn me into woman?” my caveman mind think.
Few years ago, lady I was dating introduced me to thing called “loofa.” It was purple. It looked like sea creature turned into sponge. She say it for cleaning body. Works better than using soap and hand, like I always done.
But it purple. And fluffy. And found next to girly items in store.
No, I no use loofa!
Because I man.
“Would rather use raw steak and motor oil to wash self,” my caveman mind thought to self.
True story: My grandfather, Nana, fought a tiger with his bare hands.
Serving in military, he was in Indian jungle and encountered big striped cat. No meow, big roar. After stare-down, tiger attacked. As story goes, Nana punched and kicked tiger off of him. Tiger finally run away. Nana lit cigarette after that and walked back to camp.
Manliest story ever.
I even saw the scars on his hands.
I beat my chest and pump the iron.
Could grow beard if wanted to, but look kind of terrorist-y with it, so prefer clean-shaven look.
Also go to craft fairs occasionally.
I remember, as little man, one time I was crying.
Nana was there. Nana yell at me: “Stop crying. Men don’t cry!”
This man fought off tiger in jungle, so he knew what he was talking about.
Mom pulled me aside and said not to listen. That it okay to cry. It okay to be sad. It okay to show emotions.
As child, me had a few brain tumors in pituitary gland. Part of brain responsible for testosterone production.
My body no able to make testosterone naturally. So I apply testosterone gel, called Androgel, on my shoulders every day since I was teenager.
I man… right? Sort of? Even if a little artificial?
I mean, me have chest hair and lift weights and have shopped at Men’s Wearhouse in past. I never been in fight or ridden motorcycle, but one time I built a cat tower from scratch. With wood and nails and power tools.
That manly, right?
Oh, should mention: I have cats. Two of them.
Are cats less manly than dogs? Hmmm. Not sure. I hear Hemingway had cats. And he was manly man.
If Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson had a cat, this would be a non-issue.
After my lady and me broke up, she left behind loofa in shower.
One day, I said, “Fuck it,” and gave it a try.
Two words: Game. Changer.
Men, if you reading this, USE LOOFA.
It actually super useful. It removes dead skin and makes man feel fresh and is much more easy to use than hand and soap.
Who cares if it purple and fluffy?! If you still feel insecure about it, go light piece of wood on fire and give it powerful karate chop. Manliness, restored.
Now I use loofa every day.
Man cry sometimes.
Few days ago, I was listening to song of Animal Collective and started crying. No, I did not forget testosterone gel; it was true emotion. Truly “me.”
I then remember what mom say: It’s okay to cry. So I cried.
Some men tear apart phone books.
Some be hungry for power. Some do very bad things, but not held accountable for.
Some sensitive, some not. Some talk a lot, some don’t. Some attracted to women, some attracted to men, some attracted to both.
Some are Jason Statham and Idris Elba.
Overall, there no one definition of man.
Recently, I was at music festival and got free Luna Bar from people handing out Luna Bars.
I was hungry. And no time to go hunting for meat at concession stand, like true caveman.
So again, me say, “Fuck it,” and ate Luna Bar.
It tasted good. Like “normal” bar man would eat.
And as it happens, I didn’t turn into woman.