Photo by: Marco Vedana

How To Write A Fragrance Commercial

Follow these steps to market your eau-de-whatever

Would you like to write a fragrance commercial that’s just as good as anything you’d see from Chanel, Dior, or Calvin Klein? Here’s how:

  1. Drugs. Take them. Many of them. You’re gonna need to be as detached from reality as possible for this to work.
  2. Pick a setting: 5th Avenue in NYC, a cocktail party, a rooftop lounge…
  3. Have the drugs kicked in yet? Because those were lame settings. Try again.
  4. Pick a setting: Black-tie costume party in Monaco; smoke-filled house of mirrors; the middle of a sensuous tango-like dance with all eyes watching two mysterious dancers flirt only with their moves; an exorbitant fashion show with models wearing crystal chandeliers as dresses and, oh, a line of aerial silks dancers performing in the background; lavish penthouse apartment with chairs that look like hands; an aviary full of flamingos who guard a huge exotic blue diamond that sits on a pedestal beneath a beam of light in the middle of the room, just waiting to be stolen by a bold mystery man wearing a cologne that’s just as bold.
  6. Establish a storyline. Actually, there should’ve been a Step 5.5: Establish what your fragrance represents — lust, adventure, mystery, rebellion, nonconformity, professional success and the respect of your peers — then use that to guide your storyline. Note: by “story”, it can range from very linear (like the flamingos example above) to totally abstract without any trace of a plot whatsoever. **Just remember: the fragrance doesn’t need to have anything to do with what’s happening in these scenes.**
  7. Establish a color palette. Either go lots of colors or few colors. This might be the drugs talking, but the industry “best-practice” is to either go muted colors or every hue of color visible to the human eye.
  8. Attractive people. One of the reasons you sell your fragrance for $80 a bottle is to be able to book a celebrity for your marketing. Get the hottest, classiest one. The most hot. The most classy. Actress, athlete, model, musician, whoever. They can’t just be hot, they also need to be classy. And they can’t just be classy, they also need to be hot. Both conditions MUST be met in order for this to work, otherwise Stanley Tucci would be in every fragrance commercial out there.
  9. Let the drugs wear off and watch the money roll in.

Congratulations! You’ve just conceived the perfect new marketing campaign to ensure your fragrance is a smashing success. It’s now ready to join the pantheon of fragrance commercials like:



In my next article, I’ll be discussing how to optimally market your fragrance for sale at duty-free shops at international airports. Stay tuned.

If you liked what you read, kindly consider clicking “Recommend” below. Hugs.

I write comedy things. the ha & lol. Also a founding editor of Slackjaw on Medium.

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