An exclusive interview with Breitbark News, the mysterious leader of the alt-bite dog media
Journalism is more important now than ever before. Like any respectable publication, Slackjaw has been hard at work to get you the hard-hitting news you deserve. We’ve been digging deep, hitting the streets, and along the way, asking restaurants and cafes if we can use their bathroom real quick.
Today, we bring you the scoop of all scoops: An exclusive interview with the mysterious editor of Breitbark News. Yes, Breitbark. A doggier version of the alt-right media outlet Breitbart. (For instance, there is no President Trump, but rather President Pooch.)
But don’t mistake that for cute and fluffy. Breitbark describes itself as the publication of record for the “alt-bite,” an alternative to the “mainstream pooch media” that has muzzled (if you will) ultra-conservative dog politics.
We had to find out more. So we chatted with the mysterious editor of this Twitter account and Medium publication.
Slackjaw: When and why did you start Breitbark News?
Breitbark News: Simply put, we needed a reliable source for dog news. The old landscape of dog media was incredibly biased and too puplitically correct. In fact, there were no conservative dog news sites before us. And, while we are conservative, we try our best to tell it like it is. Everyone who voted Dog President Pooch into office — good, conservative dogs — did not have a place to consume their news, and Breitbark started as a result of that.
SJ: What do you have against the mainstream dog media?
BN: Where do we start? First of all, they are fake dog news. Never believe anything you read on mainstream dog media sites like Ruffington Post or WeRateDogs. The MSDM would much rather chase their tails in circles than chase actual, real life news. Do you know why so many young pups are lazy and expect everything to be pawed out to them? Because the liberal dog media told them that was okay. The single greatest threat to our neighborhood is the mainstream dog media. Breitbark is doing everything we can to stop them.
SJ: You’ve written that Dog President Pooch should build a fence to keep out illegal chihuahuas. What other policies do you endorse?
BN: We will follow Dog President Pooch wherever he goes. The author of “The Art of the Meal,” Pooch has seen so much success living out the neighborhood dream, and we trust that he will make our neighborhood great again as Dog President. After two terms of failed O’Boomer policies, Pooch has his work cut out for him. He has already taken steps with the Repuplicans to repeal and replace O’Boomercare. He has vowed to respect and support Paw Enforcement, despite opposition from violent hate groups such as Black Labs Matter. And, yes, he will build a great, beautiful fence to stop illegal chihuahuas from coming into our neighborhood. Any dog that wants to enter should have to come legally and must be vetted.
SJ: You mean, by a veterinarian?
BN: Yes.
SJ: What kind of responses have you gotten?
BN: While Breitbark is a news sanctuary for conservative dogs who seek the truth, we have had our fair share of run-ins with liberal “snowdogs,” as we call them. These dogs are the puplitically correct crowd that are always sniffing for something to bark madly about. They try to delegitimize Breitbark by reducing it to cheap dog puns, most of which don’t even make sense. We have no doubt our critics will continue to try to wear us down, but we’re not worried. They’re just chasing cars. They’ll never catch us.
SJ: Do you think Dog President Pooch will be sent to the pound for his dealings with Pootin?
BN: As Dog President Pooch reiterated countless times: He does not know Pootin. The liberal dog media created these false stories about under-the-table milkbone deals with the Russian district. They’re all lies. Dog President Pooch will not be sent to the pound. What’s important to remember is that some dog is illegally leaking this information. That dog should be sent to the pound.
SJ: Where do you get your “news” from? Who are your sources?
BN: Why did you put “news” in quotations? Do not talk down to us.
SJ: Okay, sorry. But who are your sources?
BN: We have a very dedicated staff of dogs who pride themselves on their ability to sniff out newsworthy stories. It’s not just about being conservative. It’s about finding the truth. We are not afraid to dig, and dig, and dig until we get answers.
SJ: You seem pretty certain that not all dogs are good dogs. What makes them bad dogs?
BN: There’s the obvious bad dogs, like dogs who sneak into our neighborhood without legal collars. But then there’s the secret bad dogs. The ones you wouldn’t expect. The dogs in the liberal media. The dogs who try to delegitimize us, like we were talking about before. They use their platform just to make cheap dog jokes. They make us sick.
Follow Breitbark News on Twitter for more conservative dog news. And thank you to Breitbark for letting us take a peak behind the doggy door.
